Physicall, mentally, whatever. ugh. I just do not feel good.
I am so exhausted. And I am waiting for the dreadful period to start. Ughhhsfhsaiufhd. I need to cuddle. Cuddle and snooze. It sounds really lame, but I really just want someone to stroke my head and say "I know, its tough. It will be okay, you can do it. I'm here." But no one is here. It is none of their faults. But I'm feeling a little lost lately... I haven;t said anything about it to anyone. I'm getting pretty numb, almost to the point of not caring. "lose my job, whatever." "Bad grade, who cares." That is pretty bad, this is not a position I need to be in. Can't I jsut have a little vacation? I want to relax, and sleep. And have a little bit of fun. Instead I went shopping and spent tons of money, because it made me feel like I am working for a reason. Pathetic? I know. I know there is a reason behind it. It helps me fund many evens, and in the future coud go toward the "Caitlin needs a house fund". But right now it is pushing me to the limits. But what can I do? Bow down to the almighty cothing company. And jsut to put this on the record and get this off my chest: Dear District manager. In no way do I want to become you, and in no way do I want to go into the clothing industry. Quit pretending you are my mentor. Kthx.
- Mood:
blah
to lay me right to sleep.
I wish I had a thousand roses
That would cry before I weeped.
The softness of their petals
reaching foward like a tender kiss.
I wish I had a thousand roses
Holding me closely to their lips.
If I had those roses
I know the only thing I would do
would be to stare at the thousand roses
yet only see you.
School should be going relatively well. I have a lot of work to get done. All I want to do is think about him, I want him to be here. But the thing is, I need to prove I can be withut him. I WANT to be with him, not need. And I know I can do this. It is just that after a long day all I want is to curl up next to him and fall asleep.
Going to New York on Friday. It should be fun. I am excited to spend time with the people going and just being able to relax, though I won't be doing much sleeping.
I'm trying to decide whether or not to go to a funeral tomorrow. It is a tough choice. hmmm...
Going Night swimming in two hours, and hanging out in the home. Dima, Kristina, and Sam are all coming over. Should be fun. We are odering pizza to celebrate mine and Dima's jobs! W00t.
Well, I am off to clean my room up a bit.
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<lj-cut=" I'm bored, Kay">
My 103 Truths
1. Name- Caitlin
2. Like it- Eh, Well It's me. I couldn't change it.
3. Single or taken- Taken. :]
4. Zodiac sign- Capricorn
5. Male or female- Female
6. Elementary- Brooks Elementary School
7. Middle- St. Aloysius Shepherdsville
8. High school-Mercy Scademy
9. Eye color- Green
10. Hair color- Err, Multicolored. Red, and Brown Mainly, but some blonde twisted in.
15. Are you a health freak? Somewhat.
16. Height- 5' 7''
17. Do you have a crush on someone? Why Yes, Yes I do.
18. Do you like yourself? Depends on what the subject matter is.
19. Piercings- My ears are pierced.
20. Tattoos- I don't have any considering I would be murdered. My Sam does though.
21. Righty or lefty- Righty
FIRSTS-
22. First surgery- I really do not remember.
23. First piercings- Ears, but I had to get them redone.
24. First best friend- family: Kellen --nonfamily: Leslie or Jennifer
25. First award- Probably a sports award, for cheerleading or swimming, or t-ball, or gymnastics, or etc.
26. First sport- I started amny around the same time.
27. First pet- Augie, Our pet Basset Hound we got the day before I was born.
28. First vacation- Florida
30. First crush- I really do not remember.
CURRENTLY
49. Eating- Nothing
50. Drinking- Water
51. I'm about to- Take a shower, go running, wash my car, clean my room, apply for more jobs.
52. Waiting for- A job, the weekend, school (sadly), another email from Heine Bros.
53. Im listening to - The Rocket Summer
54. Wearing- Sweater and swear pants. (I'm cold)
FUTURE-
55. Want kids- Maybe.
56. Want to get married - Probably will.
57. Careers in mind- Actress.
WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX-
68. Lips or eyes - Eyes.
69. Hugging or kissing- Both.
70. Shorter or taller- Same height or taller
71. Tan skinned or light - Light.
72. Romantic or spontaneous - Both in a sense.
73. Dark or light hair- I don't know.
74. Muscular or normal- Not TOO Muscular, but other than that, either.
75. Hook-up or relationship- Relationship.
76. Similar to you or different- Both.
77. Trouble maker or hesitant- Both.
HAVE YOU EVER-
78. Kissed a stranger - Nope
79. Drank bubbles - Nope.
80. Broken a bone - Yep, may have again.
81. Climbed up a tree - Who hasn't?
82. Broken someones heart - Yeah, I feel bad, but If I hadn't I would have never gotten where I am.
83. Turned someone down - Yes.
85. Liked a friend as more than a friend - Yep.
DO YOU BELIEVE IN-
86. Yourself- Sometimes.
87. Magic - Duh.
88. Love at first sight - That is lust, it could eventually turn into love (after a longer amount of time), but in that second it is not.
89. Santa Clause - No.
ANSWER TRUTHFUL
92. Is there 1 or more people you want to spend time with right now?
Yep. :]
LASTS-
93. Text message - incoming: "Dude will you call me when you get up and going? Love You!" -Sammeh outgoing: "I don't feel good come take care of me" -me to Sam. lol.
94. Received call - Dad
95. Call made - Sam
97. Missed Call - Sam
98. Person you hung out with - Sam lol
99. You hugged - Sam
100. You kissed-Sam
101. You talked to - Sam (seeing a pattern?)
102. You slapped - No clue.
103. Person you crushed on - SAM! I WINNNNN.
My 103 Truths
1. Name- Caitlin
2. Like it- Eh, Well It's me. I couldn't change it.
3. Single or taken- Taken. :]
4. Zodiac sign- Capricorn
5. Male or female- Female
6. Elementary- Brooks Elementary School
7. Middle- St. Aloysius Shepherdsville
8. High school-Mercy Scademy
9. Eye color- Green
10. Hair color- Err, Multicolored. Red, and Brown Mainly, but some blonde twisted in.
15. Are you a health freak? Somewhat.
16. Height- 5' 7''
17. Do you have a crush on someone? Why Yes, Yes I do.
18. Do you like yourself? Depends on what the subject matter is.
19. Piercings- My ears are pierced.
20. Tattoos- I don't have any considering I would be murdered. My Sam does though.
21. Righty or lefty- Righty
FIRSTS-
22. First surgery- I really do not remember.
23. First piercings- Ears, but I had to get them redone.
24. First best friend- family: Kellen --nonfamily: Leslie or Jennifer
25. First award- Probably a sports award, for cheerleading or swimming, or t-ball, or gymnastics, or etc.
26. First sport- I started amny around the same time.
27. First pet- Augie, Our pet Basset Hound we got the day before I was born.
28. First vacation- Florida
30. First crush- I really do not remember.
CURRENTLY
49. Eating- Nothing
50. Drinking- Water
51. I'm about to- Take a shower, go running, wash my car, clean my room, apply for more jobs.
52. Waiting for- A job, the weekend, school (sadly), another email from Heine Bros.
53. Im listening to - The Rocket Summer
54. Wearing- Sweater and swear pants. (I'm cold)
FUTURE-
55. Want kids- Maybe.
56. Want to get married - Probably will.
57. Careers in mind- Actress.
WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX-
68. Lips or eyes - Eyes.
69. Hugging or kissing- Both.
70. Shorter or taller- Same height or taller
71. Tan skinned or light - Light.
72. Romantic or spontaneous - Both in a sense.
73. Dark or light hair- I don't know.
74. Muscular or normal- Not TOO Muscular, but other than that, either.
75. Hook-up or relationship- Relationship.
76. Similar to you or different- Both.
77. Trouble maker or hesitant- Both.
HAVE YOU EVER-
78. Kissed a stranger - Nope
79. Drank bubbles - Nope.
80. Broken a bone - Yep, may have again.
81. Climbed up a tree - Who hasn't?
82. Broken someones heart - Yeah, I feel bad, but If I hadn't I would have never gotten where I am.
83. Turned someone down - Yes.
85. Liked a friend as more than a friend - Yep.
DO YOU BELIEVE IN-
86. Yourself- Sometimes.
87. Magic - Duh.
88. Love at first sight - That is lust, it could eventually turn into love (after a longer amount of time), but in that second it is not.
89. Santa Clause - No.
ANSWER TRUTHFUL
92. Is there 1 or more people you want to spend time with right now?
Yep. :]
LASTS-
93. Text message - incoming: "Dude will you call me when you get up and going? Love You!" -Sammeh outgoing: "I don't feel good come take care of me" -me to Sam. lol.
94. Received call - Dad
95. Call made - Sam
97. Missed Call - Sam
98. Person you hung out with - Sam lol
99. You hugged - Sam
100. You kissed-Sam
101. You talked to - Sam (seeing a pattern?)
102. You slapped - No clue.
103. Person you crushed on - SAM! I WINNNNN.
If anyone needs direct ion:
4710 fox chase drive
shepherdsville ky 40165
or:
take i65 south
get off on the Brooks exit
Turn left
go through one light
turn right at the next one (gas station on corner)
go to second fox chase entrance
caitlins house on the right with blue ford focus.
We went to go see the new Ocean's movie. It was AHMAYZING. I seriously... I don't know... he makes me so happy. :] I just wish I could gain enough energy to where he wouldn't think I was constantly upset with him or something. I do admit, when I am tired, I tend to be more emotional. Not like WAHHHH EMOXCORE RAWR. No, no, no. More so: Oh... You don't want to be around me do you? You don't really love me... You're going to leave aren't you? Even though I know he isn't. I plan on just relaxing this week. It should be nice. I am going to sleep in and catch up, I am going to exercise and eat healthy.
Though I do need to work on my Senior Service project. Actually, I think I will send Katie an email right now. I have a lot of booking to do. If anyone knows some bands that would enjoy doing a set in a coffee house to raise money for a cause (I'm afraid I cannot pay them), contact me! Or if anyone would enjoy displaying art, doing a monologue/skit/scene, reading poetry, etc. Tell me! It is going to be and art coffee house. I want all forms of art!!!
YOU THANK!
sickHe has a brilliant mind, that brother. It makes em smile to know we think alike. Maybe some of you can find strength in what he says, too:
Kellen: yes?
whats wrong
?
ME: I dont know what to do
KELL:what
CAIT:I want to not care
but i dont know how
it hurts kell
KELL:I know caitlin
CAIT:i feel all alone
KELL:but you need to understand men are stupid
lonelyness is normal at your age
but its a good thing
it means your free to do more of what you want
CAIT:i dont know what i want anymore
KELL:you need to figure that out, what YOU want not what any boys want. What you want to grow up to be and then work towards that
CAIT:i know
KELL:he made his decision
ignore his
and move on with yours
caitlin, politics is reality
and you have to be above it
if thats how they are going to act then dont participate in their games
stay focused on your own goals
only you and your family will
CAIT:do you want toh elp out with the play? or are you busy?
KELL:what weekend is it?
CAIT:next
KELL:eww
thats initiation
CAIT:oh okay.
KELL:sorry
CAIT:Its okay
we just have to find a farmer mccarthy
KELL:hey i have to go play touch football
im sure youll find someone
CAIT:thanks
KELL:it seems like an easy part too
CAIT:have fun
KELL:thanks
ill be on later
just calm down ok
CAIT:kay
KELL:start thinking about what you would like to dpo
i remember the desire to be abroadway star in you
but i gtg
CAIT:lol
bye
- Location:My desk.
- Mood: blah
- Music:Magnolia- The Hush Sound
I'm scared of not making it. Of not being able to be on the stage anymore. What if Pride and Prejudice was the last time I would ever e able to escape. When I am on that stage I AM escaping. I am someone else. A new character. It is no longer my words escaping my mouth, but that characters. Now, I have lost it in the time I need it most.
I'm scared that my friend is too stressed. She fights to keep herself sane. I just want to save her.
I'm scared that I'm losing everyone because of my stress and because I am sitting here crying right now. I'm scared that they all think I am foolish and immature.
I'm scared of losing you. Because no one else protects me but forces me to face the facts at the same time. No one else makes me feel happywhen I am sad. I'm scared I am screwing it up, because I am scared. I'm scared that I am hurting you. I'm scared everytime I think about you leaving. I'm scared I'm going to lose you forever. I'm scred you no longer care about how I feel. I'm scared you won't remember me. I'm scared of opening up to yu, because I'm afraid everything will be held against me. I'm scared this is going to be more then a break. I'm scared that I am scaring you. I'm scared you are never going to let me in.
I'm scared of myself. I am scared of life. I am scared of my parents. They aren't helping me, they are pushing me away. They are telling me i am tearing everything apart. And that scares me. I'm scared that he's going to die. I'm scared they hate me. I'm scared I have become everyting they despise. I'm scared they are going to keep yelling. I'm scared they are going to hurt me.
I'm scared of confrontation. I'm scared I'm becoming depressed. I'm scared I'm never going to be happy again. I'm scared I don't know how to live. I'm scared that I'm going to get hurt from worrying so much (heart problems or something). I'm scared I'm not talented. I'm scared no one loves me. I'm scared that I have ruined everything. I'm scared I'm hurting everyone else.
- Mood:
scared
I wrote a poem for the literary mgazine. Im planning on writing more. I don't have enough time to complete any of my art pieces. So, I will just complete three writing peices.
I might name it: La promenade à mon coeur
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